Monday Morning Miracle

I'm not feeling too well today...

Twelve Good Men and True

No Monday Morning Miracle this week, other than the miracle of not being selected for a jury yesterday on my first foray into the US legal system.

It was an interesting day that began with a head-scratch moment when the jury selection process was explained as the principle of 'Vodyre' (pronounced by all ... Vo Dyer) Investigation lead me to the true phrase, Voir Dire, clearly a French phrase whose meaning was far clearer than 'Vo Dyre'.

After getting put on a panel, from which 12 jurors would be selected, we then spent the day 'seeing' (Voir) and speaking (Dire) with the respective legal counsels until, several hours later, they chose their favourites and let the rest of us go home until the next time.

I suspect the case is going to be a long one so I was relieved to be let go.

The courts, in their generosity, pay $6.00 for the day which, when you take account of parking ($5.50), means that while I may have lost a day's wages, I did make fifty cents. On the principle of 'another day another dollar' I guess my day wasn't half bad.

On the plus side, invaluable research into the legal system was had for free and notes taken for future novelistic endeavours.

I haven't posted too much of late as I've been on a roll with 'Mirror Man' - just two chapters to complete the first draft then the editing begins in earnest.

Hope you're all doing well in the lead up to Christmas and if I haven't been by your blog lately don't worry, it's not you, it's me.

Monday Morning Miracle

Ahhh, Monday.

Every clock in the house but one was sucessfully re-set on Sunday. You know which one I missed, don't you? Yep, I got up at 4.00 a.m. instead of 5.00 a.m. and by the time I realised, it was too late.

And still, my inbox managed to make me laugh...

This one came in the form of a Powerpoint presentation but I selected my favourite two pictures for this morning's miracle. The second is absolutely the best idea ever!

These guys reeaalllyy want to cross that border, don't they?

Murder in Progress!

When I arrived in America I was still a smoker so my trips to the store involved conversations such as:

“Do you sell fags?”
“No! Now get out of here, you pervert”

And at work when I’d tell my colleagues I was ‘going out to smoke a fag’ they looked on in terror, expecting me to shoot the rather effeminate security guard.

Having a fag in my mouth, a spare fag, or worse still, asking to ‘bum a fag’ were phases I quickly weaned myself off. Eventually I quit smoking altogether – the potential for embarrassment was too acute.

Other areas of confusion involved the word ‘fanny’ and for months I would cringe when I heard of somebody being kicked in the fanny or scratch my head in wonder if told about somebody falling on their fanny.

Again I was able to adapt, although I still don’t use the word myself. ‘Arse’ is more effective and, with emphasis on the ‘R’, still makes my colleagues and American friends laugh raucously.
But there are some words I am just unable to accept and two in particular, spring to mind:

"Winningest" and "Burglarized"

To put these absurdities into context, here’s a promotional piece of blurb I read about a certain alarm company, several weeks ago:

Homeowners subscribing to [Alarm Company X]’s monitoring program have been burglarized 45% less households subscribing to other providers. That’s why [Alarm Company X] has again won the [subdivision] award for preferred home security provider, making us the winningest Home Security providor in [subdivision] since 1998.


Worse still, when I point out this butchery of the English language, I’M the one who gets ridiculed!

Another thing I have not been able to get used to is “Y’All” and the international use of ‘like’ and ‘you know’ to punctuate a sentence.

I admit that alone, ‘Y’all” is a harmless colloquialism and we all use them. But something about the radio DJs who accompanied me to work this morning, really disturbed me. I'll try and re-create the dialogue that took place between the three hosts of the show I was listening to:

Host 1: [Excited] Ooh, ooh. Y'All! Listen to this, Y'All.
Host 2: Uh huh?
Host 3: What?
Host 1: I was in Y'All's neighborhood on Saturday and I went into, like...you know...Kroger. Y'all have a bigger Kroger than, like, my, you know, neighborhood. Anyway, I'm in Kroger and this guy goes 'You're [minor local celebrity] and I go, like, 'yeah'. You know.
Host 2: You love it when that happens, it's, you know, it like, makes you feel all cool.
Host 3: I bet you asked for like, some free stuff. Y'all do it, I know Y'all do.

At that point I tuned out and started composing this post in my head. I remembered back to when the 'Teletubbies' first appeared on tv; I thought it was a terrible program idea, teaching kids to speak so incorrectly. It seems that I have always had a bee in my bonnet about this topic. Back then I wasn't brave enough to say so. For one thing, it would have been admitting to watching the 'Teletubbies' and for another, my friends would have beaten me senseless, chanting 'Teachers Pet' and 'Mike's a Girly swot.' (Yes, learning was considered a girly activity in my school.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should all rush out and buy a plum to stick in our mouths and talk like the British Aristocracy, but we should at least know how to speak and write properly before we chose not to.

If your job is in the media, surely you should always strive to speak and/or write well? Is it really too much to expect a radio or TV announcer to have the ability to form a coherent sentence without punctuating it with, like, you know, garbage?

By the time I got to work I had some serious doubts about this post and potentially exposing myself in this way. After all, moaning about 'kidspeak' is the domain of the 'old fart', so I eventually, grudgingly, decided to let it go.

Then I got a text message from my daughter. (Yesterday she got a new phone and that's like, a whole 'nother, like, story, right there! You know?)

The message went like this:

'Thanx for da fone. It much better dan da nokia!'

Before I had a chance to lecture her, I saw in the instruction manual, right there in black and white, all about how da kl ppl spk in txt msgs. Dem ppl at da fone cmpny r gr8, rnt dey?

What with these radio muppets in her ear and the cell phone/messenger making my her write 'I luvd da movie, it gr8', my daughter can look forward to growing up with, like, y'know, a totally kl vocab, Y'all.

And even if I do go "listen up, Yo." she just, like, goes "whatever" and I'm like "Wow, this sux."

Dude. Does that mean I am now an official resident of 'Old Fartsville'? I guess it does.

And while I'm at it, I hate the word 'creme' and the phrase 'I'm all about that'.

And it's not 'I could care less', it's 'I Couldn't care less'. Isn't that obvious?

That's it. I'm going home now!

Monday Morning Miracle

Here we are again, Monday Morning.

I have a hectic week ahead, with meetings scheduled for three days so far and likely to increase by noon today.

What better way to prepare for a week of meetings with angry execs throwing their toys out the the pram than a bit of jeuvenile humour?

Who wants to live in Fucking Austria?

I can't believe this is a genuine article, but I still love:

"What is the big Fucking joke?"

and

"Just this morning I had to tell an English lady...that there were no Fucking postcards."

Can Con Cuts

Swiss Toni’s wonderful Shuffleathon 2007 initiative has exposed me to some great new music and the previously unknown complexity of writing a music review!

The idea of the Shuffleathon is to send ST your name and address and prepare your own mix tape (CD) – representative of what ever you chose. ST then puts all the participants into his very big hat and draws out names. I drew Asta and a few weeks later received an exceptionally well put together disk for review, here on my blog.

All of the artists chosen are Canadian and are currently ‘drawing crowds’ as Asta put it.

Many of the songs have a pleasingly raw, demo-tape quality to them and remind me of many of the bands I watched in pubs, growing up in England. There’s very little over-production or post-recording editing and one thing is clear, they are all ‘real’ musicians.

Not everything was to my taste; some tracks became background musak and some irritated me to skip to the next track but the majority were songs I’m glad to add to my collection and one or two will receive significant overplay for the next few weeks.

So, here goes…

1. The Stills – In The Beginning.

This is reminiscent of the Scottish bands of the 80’s, though I can’t quite put my finger on what particular song it reminds me of. The track starts out promisingly enough and builds up well instrumentally, with tambourine and piano adding to the guitar but the vocals never quite make for me. It just lacks a little ‘oomph’.

2. The Hidden Cameras – Wandering.

On first hearing I couldn’t decide if I liked or hated this mid tempo tune, but I knew I’d fall one way or the other – there would be no in between. I’m usually a fan of the piano ballad but on subsequent listens, the chirrupy repetition of track’s title, ‘wandering’ started to grate. I couldn’t connect with the vocals again.

The song’s too flimsy and soft - something kept making me think of ‘Rainbow’ (Bungle rather than Blackmore).

3. Stefi Shock – Salut Chantal

My Francophone leanings were catered to by this track which opened up with an attention grabbing funky wah wah guitar intro, culled straight from Isaac Hayes.

Coupled with the low, Gainsbourg-esque tone of Shock, I found this a truly likeable offering.

I haven’t yet listened to this while drunk so I don’t know exactly what he’s singing about yet, but the time will soon come.

4. Sloan – Money City Maniacs

A catchy, upbeat tune with a memorable hook. Some nice 80’s style power chords and lyrics that suggest – though I can’t swear to it –they may be taking the piss out of bands touring and the excesses thereof.

Not sure about the sirens at the intro – perhaps more lighthearted fun-poking?

I agree with Asta on this; the line

“and the joke is,
when he awoke his
body was covered in coke fizz”

is genius!

5. The Golden Dogs – Runoutaluck

A fast paced, peppy number that reminded me – in a very good way – of the B52’s mainly because of the female backing singer’s vocals.

This was the first song on the CD that I immediately repeated and then went straight to on my drive home. (Something needs to move fast.)

6. The New Pornographers – Sing Me Spanish Techno

Sing Me Spanish Techno is a pop song with an arena feel. I’m sure fans of The New Pornographers are bouncing and singing along to this one when they perform it live.

“The Wonders” could have added this to ‘That Thing You Do’ without much trouble and while I normally enjoy that sound, I’m still undecided.

I feel comfortable with it until the repeated line:

“Listening for too long, to one song” and I begin to wonder if they might be on to something.


7. Kevin Drew – Safety Bricks.

Now then, I do know Broken Social Scene, where Kevin Drew has connections! That makes me feel all continental and musically sophisticated!

Safety Bricks is a light and airy track with a catchy acoustic guitar melody. The vocals are soft, almost fragile, and I could fall asleep to this song.

That can be a good thing, but not when you’re driving!

I fear he’s a little too wishy-washy to be a long time favorite but I’ll give it some time. (Incidentally, that’s exactly what Donna Lambert said about me in 1983.)

8. Emily Haines - Rowboat

This one starts out with a trumpet arrangement that took me back to the Hovis ads of yesteryear! I could picture that steep, cobbled hill in Yorkshire and the flat-capped lad pushing his oversized bike.

Suddenly this imagery is kicked aside by the hauntingly beautiful female vocals and a solo piano that snaps my attention back. But all too soon she’s gone again and I’m thinking “When I were a lad...”

Her voice and the poetic lyrics do return – eventually – and are enough to make this a great song. After a few plays I soon found myself looking forward to this one coming round again.

9. The Tragically Hip – Bobcaygeon

This track starts with an encouraging guitar intro and a rather slow tempo. The melody is melancholy and the lyrics (according to my search on the internets) tell of a cop involved in (race) riots in Toronto? It was the reference to ‘the men they couldn’t hang’ and ‘Aryan twang’ that caused me to look up the story behind the song.

I’m still not much wiser, but the melody has grown on me. I can imagine the lighters held aloft when they play this one in concert.

10. Arcade fire – Antichrist Television Blues

This song immediately brought September 11th to mind but after reading Asta’s notes and looking up the lyrics I can see the real meaning and as soon as I did the song became a firm favorite.

It pokes an accusing finger at the father of talented daughters and as Asta suggests, Jessica and Ashley Simpson soon replace the initial image of the twin towers.

As a transplanted heathen living in America’s south, the father’s prayers to God for fame and fortune for his girls and personal gain bring a smile to my face. It never ceases to amaze me what does (and doesn’t) get prayed for down here and the irony of this song certainly wasn’t wasted.

11. Tegan and Sara – The Con

The raw acoustic guitar intro again gets my attention and then the harmonized vocals really grab me. There is something familiar about these girls. Republica? Alisha’s Attic? Perhaps even something of Siouxsie Sioux?

Whoever they remind me of, it’s no bad thing. This song always warrants the volume being cranked up as it gradually builds.

This is another favorite on the collection, without question.

12. Patrick Watson – Giver

I agree with Asta here, there’s some Jeff Buckley influence in the soft vocals but I also hear something of the Beatles in the arrangement. Sadly, neither have ever floated my boat, musically. This song drifts aimlessly along without ever really registering in my ears.

I have to say though, being stuck between Tegan and Sara and Ariane Moffatt did him no favors.

13. Ariane Moffatt – Terminus

Asta again caters to my Francophone side with this inclusion.

Terminus is a sad, edgy song with a grating guitar and haunting backing vocals that tells of returning home from a far journey and finding nobody waiting for you, only strangers. I’ve been there and she conveys the feeling well.

I know I keep trying to find a comparison for each of these artists, and it’s not deliberate, but this time I was thinking of 1990’s Vanessa Paradis. Laugh it up, I like her!

14. Rufus Wainwright – Rules and Regulations

I’ve never really been a fan of Louden’s boy and this didn’t win me over, either. The recorder at the end feels both out of place and out of tune…

However… check out the video on youtube – it’s well worth a watch!

15. Feist – Sea Lion Woman

Excellent female vocals again in this rendition of Nina Simone’s similarly titled song.

The arrangement includes a capella vocals, energetic hand clapping, aggressive guitar riffs and what sounds like Rolf Harris on the stylaphone!

It’s a bouncy, quirky track that tells me why Asta says she’s the “it” girl right now.

Another strong competitor for my choice of best track on the CD.

16. The Be Good Tanyas – Scattered Leaves

Yet more arresting female vocals (See a pattern here in my tastes?) though this time a little nebulous so you have to listen a few times to get exactly what she’s singing, but I didn’t find that to be an issue.

This is a melancholy song that flows easily and demands repeating. The band’s name is a bit of a handful but should make them easy to spot in a crowd. I’m going to look for more of their work, too, as I’m told each of the three girls has a distinct style when they get lead vocals on a song.

17. AA Sound System – Vermillion

This song is laden with heavy bass and reverb. The vocals feel like a lazy Sunday afternoon and that’s when I found it most appealing.

Otherwise it was sort of ‘take it or leave it’.

[A week later and I indeed left it.]

18. Stars - Reunion

My least favorite song on the disk – it’s aggravatingly shaky and repetitive vocals seem to try too hard to sound like Mick Jagger or perhaps Marc Bolan? It just doesn’t work for me.

But I do love the line – “I had six too many drinks last night,”

19. K-OS – Valhalla

Valhalla is a Fast paced pop tune with a Dylan-esque monologue of a vocal and great guitar.

This has the feel of a record they had fun making and it’s a foot-tapper or steering wheel drummer for me when it comes on.

I sense a little bit of King Kurt in there too – more psychobilly than rap. A nice, up-beat way to end the CD.


Asta hoped I'd find at least one track that struck a chord and suggested I pass the CD on if I don’t find anything that takes my fancy.

Well, it’s going nowhere!

Several songs 'struck a chord', but for the moment, the winner is Feist.

Thanks ST for orgaizing this - I'm looking forward to having my own selections publicly flailed soon!

Monday Morning Miracle

Rejection and the art of coping...

With thanks to Dylan Moran for this Monday laugh.