Murder in Progress!

When I arrived in America I was still a smoker so my trips to the store involved conversations such as:

“Do you sell fags?”
“No! Now get out of here, you pervert”

And at work when I’d tell my colleagues I was ‘going out to smoke a fag’ they looked on in terror, expecting me to shoot the rather effeminate security guard.

Having a fag in my mouth, a spare fag, or worse still, asking to ‘bum a fag’ were phases I quickly weaned myself off. Eventually I quit smoking altogether – the potential for embarrassment was too acute.

Other areas of confusion involved the word ‘fanny’ and for months I would cringe when I heard of somebody being kicked in the fanny or scratch my head in wonder if told about somebody falling on their fanny.

Again I was able to adapt, although I still don’t use the word myself. ‘Arse’ is more effective and, with emphasis on the ‘R’, still makes my colleagues and American friends laugh raucously.
But there are some words I am just unable to accept and two in particular, spring to mind:

"Winningest" and "Burglarized"

To put these absurdities into context, here’s a promotional piece of blurb I read about a certain alarm company, several weeks ago:

Homeowners subscribing to [Alarm Company X]’s monitoring program have been burglarized 45% less households subscribing to other providers. That’s why [Alarm Company X] has again won the [subdivision] award for preferred home security provider, making us the winningest Home Security providor in [subdivision] since 1998.


Worse still, when I point out this butchery of the English language, I’M the one who gets ridiculed!

Another thing I have not been able to get used to is “Y’All” and the international use of ‘like’ and ‘you know’ to punctuate a sentence.

I admit that alone, ‘Y’all” is a harmless colloquialism and we all use them. But something about the radio DJs who accompanied me to work this morning, really disturbed me. I'll try and re-create the dialogue that took place between the three hosts of the show I was listening to:

Host 1: [Excited] Ooh, ooh. Y'All! Listen to this, Y'All.
Host 2: Uh huh?
Host 3: What?
Host 1: I was in Y'All's neighborhood on Saturday and I went into, like...you know...Kroger. Y'all have a bigger Kroger than, like, my, you know, neighborhood. Anyway, I'm in Kroger and this guy goes 'You're [minor local celebrity] and I go, like, 'yeah'. You know.
Host 2: You love it when that happens, it's, you know, it like, makes you feel all cool.
Host 3: I bet you asked for like, some free stuff. Y'all do it, I know Y'all do.

At that point I tuned out and started composing this post in my head. I remembered back to when the 'Teletubbies' first appeared on tv; I thought it was a terrible program idea, teaching kids to speak so incorrectly. It seems that I have always had a bee in my bonnet about this topic. Back then I wasn't brave enough to say so. For one thing, it would have been admitting to watching the 'Teletubbies' and for another, my friends would have beaten me senseless, chanting 'Teachers Pet' and 'Mike's a Girly swot.' (Yes, learning was considered a girly activity in my school.)

Don't get me wrong, I don't think we should all rush out and buy a plum to stick in our mouths and talk like the British Aristocracy, but we should at least know how to speak and write properly before we chose not to.

If your job is in the media, surely you should always strive to speak and/or write well? Is it really too much to expect a radio or TV announcer to have the ability to form a coherent sentence without punctuating it with, like, you know, garbage?

By the time I got to work I had some serious doubts about this post and potentially exposing myself in this way. After all, moaning about 'kidspeak' is the domain of the 'old fart', so I eventually, grudgingly, decided to let it go.

Then I got a text message from my daughter. (Yesterday she got a new phone and that's like, a whole 'nother, like, story, right there! You know?)

The message went like this:

'Thanx for da fone. It much better dan da nokia!'

Before I had a chance to lecture her, I saw in the instruction manual, right there in black and white, all about how da kl ppl spk in txt msgs. Dem ppl at da fone cmpny r gr8, rnt dey?

What with these radio muppets in her ear and the cell phone/messenger making my her write 'I luvd da movie, it gr8', my daughter can look forward to growing up with, like, y'know, a totally kl vocab, Y'all.

And even if I do go "listen up, Yo." she just, like, goes "whatever" and I'm like "Wow, this sux."

Dude. Does that mean I am now an official resident of 'Old Fartsville'? I guess it does.

And while I'm at it, I hate the word 'creme' and the phrase 'I'm all about that'.

And it's not 'I could care less', it's 'I Couldn't care less'. Isn't that obvious?

That's it. I'm going home now!

Monday Morning Miracle

Here we are again, Monday Morning.

I have a hectic week ahead, with meetings scheduled for three days so far and likely to increase by noon today.

What better way to prepare for a week of meetings with angry execs throwing their toys out the the pram than a bit of jeuvenile humour?

Who wants to live in Fucking Austria?

I can't believe this is a genuine article, but I still love:

"What is the big Fucking joke?"

and

"Just this morning I had to tell an English lady...that there were no Fucking postcards."

Can Con Cuts

Swiss Toni’s wonderful Shuffleathon 2007 initiative has exposed me to some great new music and the previously unknown complexity of writing a music review!

The idea of the Shuffleathon is to send ST your name and address and prepare your own mix tape (CD) – representative of what ever you chose. ST then puts all the participants into his very big hat and draws out names. I drew Asta and a few weeks later received an exceptionally well put together disk for review, here on my blog.

All of the artists chosen are Canadian and are currently ‘drawing crowds’ as Asta put it.

Many of the songs have a pleasingly raw, demo-tape quality to them and remind me of many of the bands I watched in pubs, growing up in England. There’s very little over-production or post-recording editing and one thing is clear, they are all ‘real’ musicians.

Not everything was to my taste; some tracks became background musak and some irritated me to skip to the next track but the majority were songs I’m glad to add to my collection and one or two will receive significant overplay for the next few weeks.

So, here goes…

1. The Stills – In The Beginning.

This is reminiscent of the Scottish bands of the 80’s, though I can’t quite put my finger on what particular song it reminds me of. The track starts out promisingly enough and builds up well instrumentally, with tambourine and piano adding to the guitar but the vocals never quite make for me. It just lacks a little ‘oomph’.

2. The Hidden Cameras – Wandering.

On first hearing I couldn’t decide if I liked or hated this mid tempo tune, but I knew I’d fall one way or the other – there would be no in between. I’m usually a fan of the piano ballad but on subsequent listens, the chirrupy repetition of track’s title, ‘wandering’ started to grate. I couldn’t connect with the vocals again.

The song’s too flimsy and soft - something kept making me think of ‘Rainbow’ (Bungle rather than Blackmore).

3. Stefi Shock – Salut Chantal

My Francophone leanings were catered to by this track which opened up with an attention grabbing funky wah wah guitar intro, culled straight from Isaac Hayes.

Coupled with the low, Gainsbourg-esque tone of Shock, I found this a truly likeable offering.

I haven’t yet listened to this while drunk so I don’t know exactly what he’s singing about yet, but the time will soon come.

4. Sloan – Money City Maniacs

A catchy, upbeat tune with a memorable hook. Some nice 80’s style power chords and lyrics that suggest – though I can’t swear to it –they may be taking the piss out of bands touring and the excesses thereof.

Not sure about the sirens at the intro – perhaps more lighthearted fun-poking?

I agree with Asta on this; the line

“and the joke is,
when he awoke his
body was covered in coke fizz”

is genius!

5. The Golden Dogs – Runoutaluck

A fast paced, peppy number that reminded me – in a very good way – of the B52’s mainly because of the female backing singer’s vocals.

This was the first song on the CD that I immediately repeated and then went straight to on my drive home. (Something needs to move fast.)

6. The New Pornographers – Sing Me Spanish Techno

Sing Me Spanish Techno is a pop song with an arena feel. I’m sure fans of The New Pornographers are bouncing and singing along to this one when they perform it live.

“The Wonders” could have added this to ‘That Thing You Do’ without much trouble and while I normally enjoy that sound, I’m still undecided.

I feel comfortable with it until the repeated line:

“Listening for too long, to one song” and I begin to wonder if they might be on to something.


7. Kevin Drew – Safety Bricks.

Now then, I do know Broken Social Scene, where Kevin Drew has connections! That makes me feel all continental and musically sophisticated!

Safety Bricks is a light and airy track with a catchy acoustic guitar melody. The vocals are soft, almost fragile, and I could fall asleep to this song.

That can be a good thing, but not when you’re driving!

I fear he’s a little too wishy-washy to be a long time favorite but I’ll give it some time. (Incidentally, that’s exactly what Donna Lambert said about me in 1983.)

8. Emily Haines - Rowboat

This one starts out with a trumpet arrangement that took me back to the Hovis ads of yesteryear! I could picture that steep, cobbled hill in Yorkshire and the flat-capped lad pushing his oversized bike.

Suddenly this imagery is kicked aside by the hauntingly beautiful female vocals and a solo piano that snaps my attention back. But all too soon she’s gone again and I’m thinking “When I were a lad...”

Her voice and the poetic lyrics do return – eventually – and are enough to make this a great song. After a few plays I soon found myself looking forward to this one coming round again.

9. The Tragically Hip – Bobcaygeon

This track starts with an encouraging guitar intro and a rather slow tempo. The melody is melancholy and the lyrics (according to my search on the internets) tell of a cop involved in (race) riots in Toronto? It was the reference to ‘the men they couldn’t hang’ and ‘Aryan twang’ that caused me to look up the story behind the song.

I’m still not much wiser, but the melody has grown on me. I can imagine the lighters held aloft when they play this one in concert.

10. Arcade fire – Antichrist Television Blues

This song immediately brought September 11th to mind but after reading Asta’s notes and looking up the lyrics I can see the real meaning and as soon as I did the song became a firm favorite.

It pokes an accusing finger at the father of talented daughters and as Asta suggests, Jessica and Ashley Simpson soon replace the initial image of the twin towers.

As a transplanted heathen living in America’s south, the father’s prayers to God for fame and fortune for his girls and personal gain bring a smile to my face. It never ceases to amaze me what does (and doesn’t) get prayed for down here and the irony of this song certainly wasn’t wasted.

11. Tegan and Sara – The Con

The raw acoustic guitar intro again gets my attention and then the harmonized vocals really grab me. There is something familiar about these girls. Republica? Alisha’s Attic? Perhaps even something of Siouxsie Sioux?

Whoever they remind me of, it’s no bad thing. This song always warrants the volume being cranked up as it gradually builds.

This is another favorite on the collection, without question.

12. Patrick Watson – Giver

I agree with Asta here, there’s some Jeff Buckley influence in the soft vocals but I also hear something of the Beatles in the arrangement. Sadly, neither have ever floated my boat, musically. This song drifts aimlessly along without ever really registering in my ears.

I have to say though, being stuck between Tegan and Sara and Ariane Moffatt did him no favors.

13. Ariane Moffatt – Terminus

Asta again caters to my Francophone side with this inclusion.

Terminus is a sad, edgy song with a grating guitar and haunting backing vocals that tells of returning home from a far journey and finding nobody waiting for you, only strangers. I’ve been there and she conveys the feeling well.

I know I keep trying to find a comparison for each of these artists, and it’s not deliberate, but this time I was thinking of 1990’s Vanessa Paradis. Laugh it up, I like her!

14. Rufus Wainwright – Rules and Regulations

I’ve never really been a fan of Louden’s boy and this didn’t win me over, either. The recorder at the end feels both out of place and out of tune…

However… check out the video on youtube – it’s well worth a watch!

15. Feist – Sea Lion Woman

Excellent female vocals again in this rendition of Nina Simone’s similarly titled song.

The arrangement includes a capella vocals, energetic hand clapping, aggressive guitar riffs and what sounds like Rolf Harris on the stylaphone!

It’s a bouncy, quirky track that tells me why Asta says she’s the “it” girl right now.

Another strong competitor for my choice of best track on the CD.

16. The Be Good Tanyas – Scattered Leaves

Yet more arresting female vocals (See a pattern here in my tastes?) though this time a little nebulous so you have to listen a few times to get exactly what she’s singing, but I didn’t find that to be an issue.

This is a melancholy song that flows easily and demands repeating. The band’s name is a bit of a handful but should make them easy to spot in a crowd. I’m going to look for more of their work, too, as I’m told each of the three girls has a distinct style when they get lead vocals on a song.

17. AA Sound System – Vermillion

This song is laden with heavy bass and reverb. The vocals feel like a lazy Sunday afternoon and that’s when I found it most appealing.

Otherwise it was sort of ‘take it or leave it’.

[A week later and I indeed left it.]

18. Stars - Reunion

My least favorite song on the disk – it’s aggravatingly shaky and repetitive vocals seem to try too hard to sound like Mick Jagger or perhaps Marc Bolan? It just doesn’t work for me.

But I do love the line – “I had six too many drinks last night,”

19. K-OS – Valhalla

Valhalla is a Fast paced pop tune with a Dylan-esque monologue of a vocal and great guitar.

This has the feel of a record they had fun making and it’s a foot-tapper or steering wheel drummer for me when it comes on.

I sense a little bit of King Kurt in there too – more psychobilly than rap. A nice, up-beat way to end the CD.


Asta hoped I'd find at least one track that struck a chord and suggested I pass the CD on if I don’t find anything that takes my fancy.

Well, it’s going nowhere!

Several songs 'struck a chord', but for the moment, the winner is Feist.

Thanks ST for orgaizing this - I'm looking forward to having my own selections publicly flailed soon!

Monday Morning Miracle

Rejection and the art of coping...

With thanks to Dylan Moran for this Monday laugh.

Genre Definitions

It’s been an interesting week, with a few days spent in Louisiana and a few good solid hours of writing ‘Mirror Man’ each day.

I love the drive home fromhere as I avoid I-10 for as long as possible, taking the scenic route along the edge of the lake and then follow the coast road back into Texas.

In the summer, the drive always brings encounters with wildlife; turtles and occasional gators in the road. I stop and pick up the turtles, saving them from certain reptilian pancakedom, but the gators just get a blast on the horn and a few angry revs of the engine. After that, they’re on their own.

The coast road inspires me to pull over and take a small walk on the sand. I miss living right on the ocean and when ever I find myself on a quite shore, I make a promise that one day I’ll move back to a coastal address, preferably a Caribbean one.

Anyway, back on topic…

I’ve struggled with defining the genre of ‘Mirror Man’. The protagonist is the direct descendant of a Norse God, which might place it firmly in the realms of a fantasy novel, although there is little reference or relevance to his godly heritage, beyond immortality.

I’m a huge fan of Neil Gaiman’s works and I would like to think I could occupy the same genre as ‘American Gods’ or ‘Anansi Boys’.

That being said, there are some gruesome scenes in my novel and some elements that I’d like to believe were psychological horror.

In short, I’m not sure how to classify it at the moment so, as a procrastination tool, I thought I’d set out my understanding of the various genre options.

Mystery/Suspense

Works that usually revolve around a mysterious or unexplained event or a crime that is not solved until the story comes full circle, to keep the reader in suspense. A good mystery/Suspense novel, for me, follows the process of solving the mystery, rather than the event or crime itself. It presents puzzles and red herrings for the reader to digest and analyse.

According to my google searches, subgenres include: historical, detective, supernatural, noir, detective fiction, and Miss Marple type whodunits.

Thriller

Danger-filled plots with high stakes, where the protagonists and their loved ones are in serious jeopardy. Although thrillers, like mysteries, often involve solving of a crime, the primary conflict is often imminent threat that the protagonists must overcome at all costs.

Crime Fiction

Obviously, the plot of a crime fiction novel focuses on the actual planning and perpetration of a crime rather than the detection and bringing to justice, the criminals.


Fantasy

Fantasy works often contain elements that are not of this world, such as mystical creatures, giants, faeries, goblins, gnomes, wizards, and witches. Magic, spells, swords and sorcery, supernatural powers, talking animals, and fanciful kingdoms abound in Fantasy works. Plots often centre around a quest, damsels in distress, epic battles of good verses evil.
Subgenres include mythology, dark fantasy, and graphic novels.

(So far, I think I’m still in this genre…)


Science Fiction

These are stories with a basis in the futuristic - a well-crafted blend of scientific fact andfiction. Science, both real and imagined (but with a basis in reality), contributes to the storyline.

It would seem easy to blur the lines between Science Fiction and Fantasy, wouldn’t it?

Historical Fiction

Stories based in a particular era of the past, often using a genuine setting, place or event such as the American Civil War, The French Revolution, the reign of Elizabeth I, etc.

Historical fiction is often quite literary work and the historical period is expressed in the language of the prose. Even in fictional tales, accurate historical facts and details are employed to bolster the story.

Chick Lit

Usually light, life experience based tales aimed at and about women. The protagonist(s) usually experience conflicts of a love/relationship/career nature. Bridget Jones’ Diary comes to mind.

Women’s Fiction

Again can be simply stated as fiction aimed at and about women. However, women’s fiction tends towards a greater depth and literary tone than chick lit.

Commercial Fiction

Based on heavily conceptual hooks and plots, appealing to a wide audience. The plot is the key in commercial fiction, with a strong narrative storyline, rather than literary prose or internal character conflicts.

Horror

The primary intent is to frighten. Horror can be based in extreme gore, graphic violence, or tense psychological suspense. Supernatural folklore, encompassing creatures who prey on humanity often fill the genre. – Vampires, werewolves and so on. The subgenres list seems endless and almost any genre with an element of terror fits here.

I have some elements of horror by way of a few gory scenes and some psychological suspense. Perhaps it’s a dark fantasy?

Literary Fiction

The quality of writing is valued above all else in literary fiction. Plot and commerciality are secondary to the development of story through prose. Descriptive narratives abound as the art of writing is explored.

Nope…nothing here for me.

Romance

Love stories set against dramatic backdrops, passion and mostly a ‘and they lived happily ever after’ resolution.


I think I’ll stick with ‘dark fantasy’ for now but if I need to change focus slightly, to attract the attentions of a specific agent or publisher, I have a few options.

Right, the sun is shining and the road is clear. I’m going to put the roof down and cruise home along my back roads and coastal routes and hope i don't get pulled over by a local cop with only two teeth, who calls me 'boi'.

Monday Morning Miracle

This morning's post leans more toward awesome than the usual irreverant.

I received an email over the weekend and the photographs, together with the captions, lead me to believe I was in for an unpleasant experience. I came close to closing the email without reaching the end. I'm glad my morbid curiosity pushed me on, because I was to be surprised!


The pictures were credited to Norbert Rosing, taken in Hudson Bay.

"The photographer was sure that he was going to see the end of his huskies when the polar bear materialized out of the blue, as it were:"

"The Polar Bear returned every night that week to play with the dogs.."

The untold back-story possibilities around this event seem endless, don't they?

Class

This is my entry for Café Writing.

The instructions were: Take seven minutes (you have to use all seven, you can’t go over), and write about class. Any format (fiction, essay, verse) is acceptable.

Forgive any typos – I took the time limit very seriously!

His fat ass occupied most of the rear seat of his Bentley. The simianesque chauffeur, who clearly doubled as his bodyguard, opened the door and stepped aside, fulfilling the secondary role of blocking the sidewalk to allow his employer unobstructed access to the bar.

Almost everybody watched his approach through the large picture window that looked out onto the street; some with admiration, some in awe. I only glanced with a mingled sense of envy and dislike.

The door opened and he swept in, heading for the bar, a modern day Moses, parting a red sea of party people who craved his acknowledgement, no matter how fleeting.

He owned the bar.
He owned every night club in town worth visiting.

He’d just moved into the penthouse of the most expensive new beachfront development for several miles. I worked on the construction and saw first hand his arrogance and unpleasant nature. An unfortunate worker missed a deadline on the day he took possession of his apartment. The worker was physically ejected from the property by the chauffeur and his tools launched from the balcony to the rising tide, twelve stories below.

He took the empty seat at the bar beside me and surveyed this minor outpost of his kingdom until the inevitable leggy blonde joined him, kissed his blubbery face and asked for a white wine spritzer.

With a click of his stumpy fingers, he made her wish his command. My girlfriend, the bar’s newest employee, dashed to attend to him and I swallowed back my anger as he barked: “White wine spritzer and a double Glenfiddich.”

No 'please', not even eye contact.

She returned in record time and set his drinks down on the bar. “Six seventy five, please Sir,” she said, flashing me a nervous smile. Without looking up he dug a hand into his pocket and extracted a pile of bills and random coins.

Her look begged me not to say anything as she sorted through the cash in his open hand, extracting the correct amount and turned back to enter it into the till.

Finally fatboy disengaged from his companion and looked at me.

“How much did she take? Did she rip me off?”

I stood up, drained my beer and put it down gently on the bar.

“You may be the richest man in this town, maybe even this county, but there’s something money will never get you,” I said.

“Oh really? And what’s that, fuckface?” he sneered.

“Class,” I said and walked away.

Monday Morning Miracle

So, how was your weekend?

I had a very male weekend myself, thanks for asking! I got a new phone on Friday - finally allowing myself back into the world of the PDA. I got in on the scene in the early days and loved them. We fell out of love when work started following me 7 days a week by virtue of the fully functional spreadsheet applications and .doc reading capabilities. I went cold turkey when we moved from Copenhagen to Houston and I have avoided them successfully until now. But in the T-Mobile store this weekend, me and a little 'Dash' locked eyes over the counter and I was smitten again.

Not content with spending most of Friday 'playing', I successfully talked my wife into spending Saturday trst driving potential new cars and then going to the Greek festival to eat my own weight in mystery meat and feta cheese!

Aside from that, couple of emails caught my eye this weekend - an old theme but one that still raises a smile - stupid street signs:

Later this week I hope to start work on the final chapter of 'Mirror Man', so I may not be too prolific in the blogs. Forgive my absence - I just need some time for myself, you know? It's not you, it's me...

Point Of View

What point of view to adopt has always been a significant hurdle for me, when beginning to draft a story. I used to charge full speed ahead, only to grind to a stop and decide that a different Point of View might be better suited.

Now I spend some time considering who is the best person to be telling the story before I get started. Can the story be properly told by the protagonist, or will it require a narrator? Will a third-person limited approach work or is omniscient is the best approach to allow greater latitude and a God-like knowledge of the characters and events?

In “I Hate You”, a very short story about a young boy of four who decides to run away from home, it was important for me that the reader be allowed inside the head of the child. A first person approach provided the intimacy but problems arose when I realized I was ascribing mature words to the thoughts of a kid. Four year olds don’t think “she infuriates me!” so the challenge was to stick with first person but accurately convey the emotions of the mind I was trying to portray.

I could have switched to second person and told the story from the mother’s pov, as if she were retelling the event to a now grown Son, - You glared up at me, defiant for the first time - but I felt that would reduce the impact of the tale and the overwhelming sense of unfairness the boy feels. Besides, it would have given the story a sentimental, nostalgic feel, rather than the immediate, inexpressible anger and frustration of a child that I wanted to convey.

“Birth Marked” my first novel (a work that I will return to at some point and try to polish into a marketable tale), studied the possibilities of murder, untimely death, redemption and reincarnation. The main protagonist, Nelson, is a man faced with the choice of joining his daughter in heaven or seeking out his soul mate through reincarnation. He interacts with two other key figures – the hit and run driver who took his daughter’s life, and a dying man with ‘perfect understanding’ who explains his choices.

Telling this story in first person wouldn’t have allowed me to develop the characters of the hit and run driver or the dying man – both of which are key aspects of the story. How could Nelson narrate the events of two other individuals’ lives? Events that he was not part of and has no way of knowing? First person was therefore rejected.

A third-person limited approach would allow the narration to jump from one character to another – provided that the switch is always made very clear to the reader! In third person limited, narration describes the events impacting the chosen pov character. This allowed me to tell the story from Nelson’s point of view in one chapter and then in a subsequent chapter, jumps across the Atlantic to the hospital bed of the dying man and narrate part of the story from his perspective.

This was a better option than first person, but caused problems when the characters finally interacted with one another. The question arose: which character would be the focus when two or more were together? I could have opted for Nelson in every instance, but I feared it may become complicated, confusing and possibly too limiting, so I opted for third person omniscient. I don’t know if it was the right choice because the story is still rough as a robber’s dog, but when I finally get back to it, I think I’ll try to stick with that approach.

“Mirror Man” on the other hand is third person limited – everything is experienced from Valentine’s perspective and therefore Valentine is present in every scene. No other narrator intrudes into the story or offer opinions – it’s Valentine’s story from start to finish and I found it came very easy. It helps of course that Valentine has the ability to read the minds of others – a mechanism I employ when the limited perspective requires broadening.

I don’t think I have an affinity for any particular POV at the moment, either in writing or reading. The main thing to remember is, what ever point of view is chosen, it’s always critical that the narrator tells the story, not the author.

Monday Morning Miracle

Welcome to October! Where has the year gone?

This oldie landed in my inbox this week and still manages to engage me for the full four and a half minutes. Apologies if you've seen it or didn't find it genius the first time around. For those of you who've never seen it before, enjoy!

It has the added bonus of Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn".